As you might have heard, I'm on a quest to become the world's leading authority on latex pussy. Caesar, Alexander and Napoleon wanted to rule the known world; I want to fuck rubber pussies. My mother must be proud.

I was greeted Monday afternoon by the announcement from Carly that two large boxes filled with labia had arrived at her palatial estate. I hurried over to pick up my booty (as in pirate booty, not Carly's booty), and could hardly wait to get home. Rubber pussies? Check. Lube? Check. Batteries for the vibrating components? Check.

First of all, huge, huge, huge ups to Eros Boutique for sending me all this stuff for review. I don't know them, but I can say that they are wonderful people. The kind of people who take time to feed the homeless, help old ladies across the street, and mail an obnoxious porn critic a box of fake vagina. I demand that you immediately go to their site and at least consider giving them money. If you need sex toys in the future, buy it from them. Remember, if you don't give them money, they won't have money to spend on free pussies for me. If you ignore this instruction, I will come to your home tonight and sodomize your pets.

Now back to the hairy clams. Among the items I received: the Juli Ashton Life-Size Vagina and Anus, the Kobe Tai Vagina and Ass, the Tiffany Mynx Realistic Pussy & Ass, and the Lexus Ultra Realistic Pussy & Ass. Don't worry, that's not everything. There's plenty of molded slit to keep me busy for months to come.

How does this affect you? Well I've promised Carly and Eros Boutique that in return for their generosity I will be writing reviews of these vibrating vulvas at a clip of about one a week. I did have the pleasure of my first ever fake poon experience last night. I will state again that I have never as much as touched one of these pussies. It wasn’t a moral decision, I’ve just never had one put in front of me before. When it rains, it pours.

My first, err, victim is the Tiffany Mynx Realistic Pussy & Ass from Doc Johnson. I went straight to this one, of course, because the Mynxster is one of the best adult performers of the past decade, and one whose scenes I have enjoyed for years. One evening about two years ago, a drunken Tiffany actually let me fondle her boobs. One of the great moments of my life.

As silly as it sounds, I took the time to read the directions. I didn’t want to damage myself or the pussy after all. Lubricate properly blah blah, use talc powder afterwards on the pussy blah blah, AA batteries, etc., etc. Easy enough.

So after weeks of preparing myself mentally for this ordeal, the time had come. I pulled out my trusty bottle of water-based personal lubricant, sufficiently lubed Tiffany’s two orifices, and went to town. I must say, I was shocked by the texture. It really felt like human poontang. No shit. I was absolutely dumbfounded by the how good the material felt. God bless Doc Johnson’s R&D department.

This kit has a missionary position orientation — the pussy and asshole faces up like the girl was on her back, and the rear of the unit (where her bubble butt would normally go) is flat. I was a bit disappointed at first that it didn’t have butt cheeks to grab, being that Tiffnay has one of mankind’s great derrieres. I got over it.

The holes were a bit tricky to enter, but you get the hang of it pretty quickly. As I’ve announced to the world on many occasions, I’m not exactly the white Mandingo. Despite that shortcoming, the holes were pretty damn tight. It didn’t feel like boffing a virgin or anything, but the tightness was pretty comparable to that of a normal, sexually-active woman. I’ve known porn stars that were way looser. The asshole was pretty similar to the pussy, except a bit tighter. It certainly didn’t belong to a girl who had never had a backseat driver, but it was pleasurable nonetheless. The kit also came with a battery-powered vibrating egg that could be inserted into the back of the thing. Needless to say, I tried that out too. Even on the low settings, it vibrated the whole unit, and added a bit of human sensation to an otherwise lifeless blob. If you’re paying this much for a sex toy, you might as well enjoy all the bells and whistles.

I really thought I was gonna have trouble achieving a happy ending from this device, but once I got in a good rhythm with the thing, it was a piece of cake. Well, actually it was a latex vagina, but you get my drift. Overall, I was incredibly impressed by my first foray into synthetic cooze.

Next time I decide to go 20 minutes without fucking one of my new toys, I’ll sit down and write another review. Wish me luck.