A Russian is strolling down an empty street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle appears a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." So the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want. So make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. It looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. It smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted!

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink. It is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. Amazed, it is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple happily drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!"

A penguin is driving through the desert and his car breaks down. He calls AAA, and his car is towed to the nearest garage and the mechanic says he'll need a couple of hours to check out the car.

The penguin doesn't complain, but wanders off to find the closest supermarket. He goes to the frozen foods section, gets into the freezer and proceeds to make a big mess while ravenously eating a few gallons of vanilla ice cream to kill some time.

Later the penguin goes back to see the mechanic. The mechanic, wiping his hands, walks over to the penguin, shaking his head saying, "Well, I found your problem. It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin, still a mess from earlier, begins to blush and says, "Oh, no, really — it's just ice cream."

A little girl walks in on her mom giving her father a hand job.

"Mommy, what are you doing?"

"Oh honey, don't worry, daddy had a hard day at work and I am just letting the air out of daddy."

"No Mommy, that's just a waste of time!"

The mother replies, "What do you mean, honey?"

"Well it seems kinda pointless... the neighbor is just going to blow him back up again."

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one hell of a blowjob!!!.

A girl and her mother were walking through the park and the little girl saw a man a women kissing. The little girl asked, "Mommy, what are they doing?" The mother replied, "Baking a cake". Later that day, the girl and her mother were at the movies. A small sex scene came on. The little girl asked, "Mommy, what are they doing?" Again the mother replied, "Baking a cake". The next morning the little girl told her mother, "Mommy, you and daddy were baking a cake yesterday, weren't you?" The mother asked the girl, "How did you know?" And the little girl replied, "Because I just licked the icing off the couch."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm...His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry, Honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her hubby, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Well... do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most amazingly beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. He can't believe his luck as she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"

She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in New York."

He swallows hard, and is instantly filled with excitement. Here he has the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "So what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"

She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "Oh, I'm so sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing all this with you, and I don't even know your name."

The man extends his hand and replies, "The name's Tonto... Tonto Goldstein."

An Italian man enters his favorite fancy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table.... all by herself. He calls the waiter over and asks for him to have their most expensive bottle of Merlot sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts this lavish gift, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to her admirer. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you'll need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari, a BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage... plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But my dear, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. So just send the damn bottle back!"

This guy was flying down the road and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "Hey buddy, what's the hurry?"

The guy says, "I'm late for work."

"What do you do?"

The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says, "Huh? A rectum stretcher?"

The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge..."

Jane decides to go do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Jane: "Hey I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "I'm sorry about that ma'am. We've been having problems with some of our tapes lately. Which title did you rent?"

Jane: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'."

A lady went into a bar outside Dallas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "It shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ya, ma'am. I'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the damn money and go buy yourself some boots that fit."

A woman had a female parrot which kept saying, "Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?"

She was frantic, so she went to her pastor to find a solution to the problem. The pastor said, "Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her."

So, the woman brought the parrot to his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She squawked, "Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looked at the other one and said, "Put away the Bible, Fred, our prayers have been answered."